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Thursday, July 12, 2018

Vocabulary day: Aftercare


How's your sexual vocabulary? An important part of every education is knowing your vocabulary. Let's start with a really important one...

★·.·´¯`·.·★ ᴀғᴛᴇʀᴄᴀʀᴇ ★·.·´¯`·.·★

AFTERCARE: The time, attention, and physical care given to your partner AFTER an intimate experience (post-orgasm-high). 

I'm referring to that time after intense sexual activity where some people want to just spoon and fall asleep. Spooning is great for some, but might not be for everyone...

Others might be more of the "leave me alone and let me ZZZZZZ" type...

What kind of Aftercare do you like? Are you the "light-it-up" kind?

Or do you prefer "petting"?

Not really what I meant. But okay, I'd be at peace like that. A little rub on the ears...

Or do you like someone to play with your hair? Mila does...

So why am I dedicating a whole blog post to aftercare? Well, I think it's kinda important. Let's try some more words that are good to know: Postcoital Dysphoria

Yeah. Big words. Lots of letters. It's okay, I'll explain it in layman's terms.

Heh heh. She said LAYman. 

PCD is basically when someone has sadness post-sex. (post-satisfying-sex.) And no, it's not always because that person has PTSD. It happens to people who have not experienced a trauma or abuse as well. Some say it's because of the hormone drop, others say that it is due to lack of communication, and even others say that it can be due to the societal norms ingrained in people (women mostly) as they grow up that tells them that their partner's satisfaction is more important than theirs and they feel let down or disappointed after sex because they didn't get what they wanted (for lack of communication, usually, which isn't necessarily someone's fault but simply a pitfall of relationships with minimal communication).

I'm not referring to the tears you cry when your partner gets to finish and then rolls over to sleep and you feel like you were running a race that never saw the finish line... if you get my drift...
Just keep watching that... yeah, see if you feel satisfied yet.

When I think of aftercare, I associate it with the emotional release brought on by a great massage (not a happy ending). People have often told me that getting a really great massage can sometimes bring on tears.

No... I said a GREAT massage.
There we go... the kind of massage that makes your face go...

Sorry. I digress.

I've read (I can't remember where) that the body's muscles have memory and sometimes a deep massage can release those emotions tied with that memory. Although it's not the same, I think it helps to understand what Postcoital Dysphoria is. I mean, imagine all the muscles used during intimate playtime and what kind of memories all those muscles all over your body have in them?

Additionally, the hormones released during sex can be intense, and the withdrawal of those emotions can sometimes trigger a crash emotionally. Having support during that crash can help keep things from turning 'sad' and reinforce the awesome time you just had together.

AND YES - THIS INCLUDES ONE NIGHT STANDS. I mean, even if you don't plan to see that person again, you don't want to be THAT guy. Don't burn bridges. It helps to have a positive resume. You never know when that person might be a potential reference. ;-)  Just sayin.

So here's your "idea list", just in case you don't have a clue where to start with aftercare. Remember, aftercare is UNIQUE to each individual, just like sexual positions and music and book choices. Everyone has a different list of their favorite things.

Try getting THAT song out of your head.

So COMMUNICATE with your partner and find out what might work best for them AND you. After all, YOUR aftercare is just as important. If you prefer to be left alone and take a nap for your aftercare, then find out if the other person is into that, too. If not, find a compromise and see if they might find it nice for you to grab your favorite blanket and share it with them while you both take a nap. Be creative! I'd love to add to this list! Comment with your own ideas! Maybe I'll update my list.

Aftercare ideas: in no particular order
  • Cuddles
  • Lotion/Aloe on boos boos or sore areas
  • Soothing words
  • Favorite movies (Disney movies? Musicals? Talkies? ...)
  • Warm bath with bubbles
  • Warm shower with soft soapy sponge
  • Hair brushing (insert Homer Simpson drool here)
  • Small snacks
  • Refreshing drink
  • Favorite stuffed animal/pillow
  • Soft cuddly blanket for warmth or cuddling
  • Kisses
  • Gentle words letting them know they are safe
  • Talks
  • Hugs/Spooning
  • Hot cocoa or chocolate milk
  • Help dress your partner
  • Praise, compliments
  • Cold or hot compress for sore muscles
  • Gentle shoulder massage
  • Hold hands
  • Looking them in the eyes
  • Gentle touches to the face, arm, non-sexual places
  • Chocolate
  • Using affectionate nicknames
  • Saying I LOVE YOU (if you really mean it)
  • Forehead kisses
  • Tummy rubs
  • Build a fort (seriously, it's cute as hell and fun to cuddle in a little pillow-sheet fort)
  • Tickle/scratch their back lightly with your nails
  • Storytime - does your partner like books? Do they have one next to the bed? Read it to them
  • Are you an artist? Ask your partner to cuddle with you while you draw them a cute picture
  • Are you a musician? Chill with your partner while you play a little something on your instrument
  • Browse music playlists together on your phone, especially for those who prefer not to talk
WHAT NOT TO DO: i.e. the 'don't be a d*ck' list
  • Acting aloof
  • Pretending it didn't happen
  • Sneaking out
  • Rolling away, turning your back to them right away

EXTRA CREDIT: For those who would love to do some extra credit today... here's a little light reading:
Keep in mind the first article was listed as a resource across multiple (did I say multiple? like, a BUNCH) web blogs and articles. And the plethora of research based articles I could find on PCD was slim to none... thus the reason I highlighted the words in the summaries below. Since this is talked about very little, and studied even less, I think it's safe to assume that it's probably not reported very often either. I doubt that a lot of women would openly discuss this issue. Just my 2 cents.
  • Article link #1) https://doi.org/10.1002/sm2.74 Study from OCT 05 2015, also listed on numerous other links such as https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4721025/
    Results: Forty‐six percent of respondents reported experiencing PCD symptoms at least once in their lifetime with 5.1% experiencing PCD symptoms a few times within the past 4 weeks. A small but significant inverse correlation was found between lifetime prevalence of PCD and sexual functioning (r = −0.16). While the regression model accounted for 22% of variance in lifetime prevalence of PCD, attachment and differentiation of self variables did not account for significant variance.
    Conclusion: The findings confirm that PCD is under‐recognized and under‐researched. There appears to be no relationship between PCD and intimacy in close relationships. Further research is necessary to understand the subjective experience of PCD and to inform the development of a reliable measure.
  • Article link #2) https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/19317611.2010.509689?scroll=top&needAccess=true    study from March 01 2010
    ABSTRACT: This study examined the lifetime and 4-week prevalence of postcoital dysphoria (PCD) and its relationship with psychological distress and reports of past sexual abuse. Among 222 female university students, 32.9% reported having ever experienced PCD whereas 10% reported experiencing PCD in the previous 4 weeks. Multiple regression analyses revealed support for the hypothesis that lifetime and 4-week prevalence of PCD would be positively correlated with psychological distress. Lifetime prevalence of PCD, but not 4-week prevalence, was also correlated with reports of childhood sexual abuse. These factors explained only minimal variance in PCD prevalence, prompting further research into this significantly underinvestigated sexual difficulty.

Enjoy your cuddles everyone! Have a great weekend!

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