PSA: taking an innuendo...

And no, I don't mean IN THE END-OH.

Say it with me now... COMMUNICATION IS IMPORTANT.

Lesson 105:
Innuendo vs In the end OH!

Read these two sentences and tell me why the type of conjunction you use makes a difference. (Conjunction... the little word right after the comma.)

1) My boss stood in front of me, waving her fancy wedding ring around as she talked, but then she told me to bring a report to her office before the end of the day.

2) My boss stood in front of me, waving her fancy wedding ring around as she talked, and then she told me to bring a report to her office before the end of the day.

(feel free to change up her/she for him/he)
Hear the subtle difference? Does one sentence insinuate something and the other doesn't? Can you hear it?

Well don't. THAT's the problem. Stop trying to read into everything. Words should be taken at face value unless someone says them with a wink and a head-nod. And even then, there are situations where it's a REALLY bad idea to make that conclusion. Remember, this isn't a bottom shelf porno. Stop watching German Dungeon Porn and go out there and experience "IRL".


Side note: Yes, German Dungeon Porn is a thing. No, I don't recommend it. Even just googling it will fill your technology with pop-ups and ads. But it might be a great conversation starter while playing Cards Against Humanity. 

Additional side note for us more senior grown-ups: IRL = in real life. If we have to have a text abbreviation for it, then it's probably not happening enough. Go take a walk more often. Watch the trees as they go by while riding in the car instead of playing candy crush. 

Here's the thing, if your boss asks you to bring a report to their office, it doesn't matter if it's a woman or a man, you gotta report to write and deliver. That's all. And if you see a ring? Just shut it down in your head right away. No reason to go jumping to conclusions, and it's not your place to sexualize someone for your own selfish purposes. It's only gonna start trouble. Don't stir the pot.

NO. STOP IT.
These days I see too often that a person takes something the wrong way because the person who said it is someone they have the hots for. Why not try to respect the person as just another human being, for example, like your Grandpa... Imagine him saying it. Does what they said still sound like a sexual innuendo? Or just a badly worded sentence?

Yeah. I went there.

With the holidays coming up, we're all gonna be extra "festive" and there's gonna be a good chance we're all gonna forget to use our filters and words will come out that is gonna make you wanna say ...

Believe me. That person is me.

And no one wants to head into 2020 with that awkward foot-in-mouth moment lingering along from last year.

So I'm posting this blog today as a reminder to pay attention to your surroundings and situation. There's a huge difference between blurting out a good old innuendo at the bar on a Friday night at 11:30 pm and saying something sexually inappropriate at your work luncheon. Or even worse, on Christmas Eve in front of your 3-year-old little niece who loves repeating everything she hears.

It's really not that cute. Let's not do that, ok?

This is your PSA for the holidays, folks. Let's work together and get through them without HR getting involved, shall we? And be careful to still use those filters around the family, especially little ones, when you know you've had a few drinks.

No judgement though! I've stuck my foot in mouth enough, and that's why I'm passing along my knowledge to you. Feel free to share your "my bad" moments in the comments so we can laugh at... I mean laugh along with you. And if it happened yesterday? Well, you'll laugh about it in 10 years or so. I promise.

Homework: practice standing in front of the mirror finding ways to catch yourself saying something inappropriate and turning it into something innocent mid-sentence. Example: "That's what sh... erpas say about Llama-fur rugs. They're soothing and relaxing too!"

(What's a sherpa, you ask? Here ya go.)

Undergraduate Research for the curious

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Oh no you didn't...

...just write that for the public to read?

Maybe it's just me, but I doubt I'm the only one that cringes when they read this title:

 

all the way to where??? Did you just... seriously?

 

Or what the hell is this? A girl's chase guide? WHAT???

 

Well, actually, this one doesn't seem that bad, if you ignore the girl-chasing part. To be honest, in the description of the book it says
"What to do if a girl flakes on you (the good news: handle this well, and her attraction for you goes through the ROOF) - pg. 85".
I don't know about the roof, but it's true that when you handle bad news well, it's going to be a lot easier for a woman to trust you. Trust is a big one. 

But this one... Are you serious?

I mean come on, that escalated quickly. And it claims that it has "300+ texts you can use as your own." Yeah, because when she finds out you copy and pasted a text that she thought was your genuine personality, she's gonna jump into bed with you RIGHT THERE.

And this one? Well this cover just oozes with tactless rapeyness...

 

I wonder if buyers of these books know what kind of experts they're reading? Where did these authors come from? No, I don't know anything about the authors, and until I do, I won't be listing their names, but honestly if you're going to get advice like this, you might want to make sure you're not reading a book that was written by your Uncle Rocky under a pen-name. If you're not sure who I'm referring to, you might want to learn more about the book, Belinda Blinked.

Why not try talking to someone in reality, rather than watching screen-edited "reality" TV. Then you might get some more honest and realistic answers.

Try hearing what one of the participants from the show "Pick-up Artist" really has to say about his experience on the show in this article by Rachel White, who happened to make out with him. Or try reading Olive Persimmon's book where she has a chapter that describes her actual training session with a true pickup artist. It seems like the one thing I've noticed in common from all the advice about picking up women (in the good AND bad sounding books) is still just about the art of communication.

Did you hear that? Communication.

HAVEN'T WE BEEN TALKING ABOUT
COMMUNICATION?!?!
WHAT HAVE I TOLD YOU??!?!

The true art of communication comes from one-to-one personal interaction, which is best done face to face rather than on an electronic device. I know, I know, it's a new technological world. I'm a frickin dinosaur. Yadda Yadda Yadda. But ya'll better stop and think before you decide that some words on a phone text is gonna be the big ticket to getting someone in bed.

On the FLIP side...

HEY! Pay attention. Don't get distracted now...
I'll own up to the fact that texting is a huge part of our lives and, if I'm playing devil's advocate, then I will gladly admit that a BAD text could completely ruin your chances of wooing a potential lover. Some things are better never having ended in the send button. Notice how I didn't say 'getting a chic in the sac' or 'nailing a booty call' or 'gettin access to that disco stick'. Whatever the kids are calling it nowadays.

Oh.

SERIOUSLY! Back to the point. There are way less vulgar, and mature, ways to speak to someone you are interested in, and a horribly-phrased text could deem you a dick for all time. (Not a dick that lasts long time... which has it's own pros and cons, but that's a different class, sweetheart.) Humor and whitty comebacks are only going to take you so far, and at some point you are going to have to learn how to speak romantically without sounding like Andrew Dice Clay.

Don't get me wrong, Mr. Clay isn't all bad, as most humans aren't. But he sure as hell didn't come up with his stage-act in the hopes that he would encourage all men around the world to suddenly become clones of his on-stage persona. That would just be ridiculous, and surely create a decrease in the future human population. Let's separate what is acceptable under the right circumstances as comedy, and what should be done in true life, with the person you respect and love (or want to bed). Even Mr. Clay is more human and relatable, possibly even endearing, in person than on the boob-tube.

LESSON 109: TEXT SHOULD NOT BE THE STANDARD FOR INTIMATE COMMUNICATION!!

Texting can be used for introductions, asking for 1st, 2nd, 3rd dates, double entendres, humorous flirtation, or the occasional provocative selfie (clarification... dick-pic = way beyond provocative unless it was requested first). "Sexting" is a whole different ballgame, just like phone-sex is a different ball game. Tread carefully, young padawan. Sexting is the RESULT of successful flirtation, and not the cause. Let's not put the cart before the horse.

Wrong cart, sweetheart.

All I'm saying is, beware the reader. Take advice with a grain of salt... or is it sand? I guess it depends on if we're still referring to Aladdin. But don't assume that all relationship or dating "how-to" books are junk, and don't assume they are all to be taken seriously. Try to remember where/who you are getting your advice from. Even I have made a mistake or two in my past... but don't tell my hubby that. I have him convinced I'm always right.

I'm still doing my research on what kind of authors are out there writing the great write. (Get it? Like fighting the great fight? It rhymes. Get it?) When I come across some awesome books that I can find good reviews for, or get personal friend recommendations or have been able to read myself, then I promise that I will post Lesson 110: Study guides for RGU. Stay tuned, and stay friendly my friends.

HOMEWORK:
Find a book that looks like it has the WORST possible dating advice you could possibly give, and share the title only (not the author or link!) in the comments below. Or feel free to come up with your own hysterical fictional title that would make for a horrible dating book. I don't like bad-mouthing other authors, but sometimes you can't help but laugh at the titles that are out there! Sometimes I wonder if someone read their words out loud before sending them off to publish.