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Friday, August 6, 2021

If the words you said...

 ...were tattooed on your body, how pretty would you feel?

Communication 106:  Third Person Perspective

This is gonna be a short one folks, and should have been something we were taught as a little kid but may have forgotten along the way. It's based on basic conversation manners, such as...

  • If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all
  • Only speak when spoken to (unless trying to initiate a conversation)
  • Say please and thank you often
  • Never argue with a fool, people might not know the difference
  • Tact is the knack of making a point without making an enemy

However, in a conversation with someone who is a potential partner, or speaking to someone else about a common sexual topic, it's critical to do one thing: PUT YOURSELF IN THEIR PERSPECTIVE.

I'm not going to say this is something I've mastered, and we all stick our foot in our mouths from time to time. It's about trying. Trying to imagine how you would feel if it was said to YOU.

When you try, you'll find that you learn to change your narrative to a much happier conversation if you pause first, and imagine being on the receiving end of your words. It may save you from hurting someone's feelings (when you weren't trying to) and prevent you harming a good friendship or stalling a relationship that might have been sparked. 


STORYTIME: I posted a picture. At the time, I had just mastered a new skill. I was feeling cheeky about myself. I wanted to share that great feeling with others. I wanted to show people this new hobby and see who else shared the same excitement about it. I opted for the social-media-cleavage-selfie. It showed all my cool supplies in the background, including something I had crafted myself for it, and I thought it looked pretty cool from that angle. 

What happened? The first comment was "I see boobies lol" and then my partner asked me "why did you have to put your boobs in the picture?" 

I felt instant shame and embarrassment. Pride turned depression in 0 point 3 seconds flat. I deleted the post immediately (along with the one nice comment from someone else that I didn't allow myself to acknowledge). It took the rest of the week to get back to feeling happy again. Every time I thought about going back to that hobby, all I could think of was "boobies lol" and didn't feel like practicing anymore. I felt like a dumb bimbo without a brain who only wanted to show off her boobies. (That's not really me. I have tiny boobs. It's rare that I feel awesome about my boobs. Really. )

I know no one meant the comments to be mean or condescending, and they weren't saying it to judge, but it still derailed from the point of the post. They saw the pic in a different perspective I did. What they said/posted within 30 seconds affected me for days. Would it have gone differently if they had waited 5 minutes to think about their words before saying them? Probably not. They probably would have said the same thing anyways because they don't own boobs and wouldn't understand how I was feeling about the pic. I thought it was a neat picture angle... they thought I was showing off my boobs. In the moment, it was both really, but it wasn't the direction I thought the comments would go. Naive little me.

But do NOT feel sorry for me. Live and learn, and what not. And this is what I learned... I know I've done this to others. I've seen the selfie pic and jokingly posted "holy boobs batman!" to be funny. I did it in seconds without thinking before I hit the post/send button. Thinking back, I now feel like giant bag of dicks. 

Our reactions are instantaneous these days. THEY SHOULDN'T BE. 

Our fingers should not be conditioned to hit enter without re-reading what we are about to put out in the world. We aren't just typing a class paper that we plan to edit before sending to the teacher. We are writing things that NEVER get an 'edit stage' before the entire world sees them. And that's not right. Our communication patterns, as a world, are changing because of the ease of technology. But MANNERS should never change, and unfortunately those are being forgotten in a society full of instant gratification. 

This is not a story about the right/wrong way to respond to a post. Every situation is different. It's simply a reminder to practice saying your words to YOURSELF before you release them onto others. We aren't always going to know how someone else would react, but if it makes you feel bad thinking about someone else saying it to you... well then you know you need to just keep your mouth shut and not say it to someone else. 

But does it make them feel AWESOME? Go for it.


Comment something positive on someone else's post. ONLY positive. Bonus points if you do it on a post that makes you eyeroll the first time you look at it. Remember, not every single post has to do with someone trying to find gratification and validation to replace the hole in their heart. They might just be posting it cause they thought it was a cool pic. BE SUPPORTIVE.

Thursday, August 5, 2021

Solving the quadratic equation...

 ...is easier when there isn't a face between your legs.

So let's not make things so complicated, okay then?

Lesson 305: K.I.S.S. (Keep it simple stupid)

We talk about communication, speaking openly, expressing consent/non-consent, but let's be real. How many of you can actually say that you think clearly when there's a face between your legs? So how do you maintain good communication in the heat of the moment?

KEEP IT SIMPLE. Simply put. 

I know it may sound cute to say that your safe-word is "Kiwano Fruit" (a.k.a. horned melon) but when you are practicing something like orgasmic breathing or air restriction (very advanced, don't try without research!) and you're suddenly feeling light headed and you need your safe word fast then trying to access your memory banks to scream Kiwano Fruit is gonna be way more difficult! It's also going to be a little dangerous if you are doing things that require a safe word. Remembering things is hard enough when you're calm.

Picking a safe word needs to take at least as much effort as picking your bank accounts password. HOWEVER... in this situation, you need to go for simple, short, and easy to guess.
a.k.a. The exact opposite of Upper/lower/special character/caps-notcaps. 

Also, practice using simple instructions during the day when talking with your partner. Point and use caveman-like directions when it's something simple. You don't have to explain that you've had a bad day and explain who's customer service call reminded you of a tragic memory from when you were 5 and you stepped on your pet frog. Simply point to your shoulders, say "Bad day. Need you. Can you rub?" and see how effective that is. Follow up with "Thank you" after a minute or so (don't abuse your new-found caveman powers) and move on. Other examples include "Salt, please?" and point to salt shaker; "Almost time, love" and point to clock; "So beautiful" and point to face; etc. There's value in learning how to communicate with only the important words.

"How is this going to help me in bed??" you ask. Welp... when you can lose the moment in a heartbeat, you don't want to waste time explaining things like "wait, move over about half a centimeter and then make your tongue flat, not pointy, and slow it down to about 1 lick per second not 3 and then..." by that time they are already thinking "I wonder if that car is still for sale up the street?"

So here are some good example phrases you can practice during the day that might help you at 'night':

  • There
  • Up
  • Down
  • Slower
  • Slowly
  • Yes
  • Faster
  • Too fast
  • Softer
  • Harder
  • All in 
  • Halfway
  • Not yet
  • Tease me
  • Maybe next time
  • Flip me over
  • Flip over
  • Flip me back
  • On your back
  • Squeeze me
  • Grab my ____
  • Wait... there we go
  • Higher
  • Lower
  • Keep going
  • Hold it 
  • Right there
  • Circles
  • Up and down
  • Side to side (try it, lemme know how it goes)
  • Come here
  • Cramp!
  • Teeth (can be used to STOP using teeth or ADD teeth... depends on moment)
  • On top
  • Hold still
  • Yes 
  • Nope (follow up with what to do instead)

Ok so one additional thing to note: in the case of consensual sex, remember that if you want to encourage the other person to keep going, then try to avoid using negative terms because the human brain doesn't actually pay attention to the negative words. We are programmed mostly to hear the action word in a sentence, and when we are our most distracted we tend to ignore the 'no'/'not'/'don't' words in a sentence. So practice rephrasing things into what you DO want, instead of just saying what you don't want. It's okay to say 'no' to stop an action that needs stopped, but try to work on following up with a positive command to direct that energy where you want it.  


At your next meal, practice using single word sentences to explain your day. Can you do it? Take turns telling about a part of your day with only single words at a time. Leave out 'the' 'and' 'then' and all those junk words. Stick to the keywords only. See if your partner understands what happened. Take turns and compare. It's almost like playing Pictionary, except using only the words and not the pics. 

Feel free to share one worded stories in the comments, too!