...is easier when there isn't a face between your legs.
So let's not make things so complicated, okay then?
Lesson 305: K.I.S.S. (Keep it simple stupid)
We talk about communication, speaking openly, expressing consent/non-consent, but let's be real. How many of you can actually say that you think clearly when there's a face between your legs? So how do you maintain good communication in the heat of the moment?
KEEP IT SIMPLE. Simply put.
I know it may sound cute to say that your safe-word is "Kiwano Fruit" (a.k.a. horned melon) but when you are practicing something like orgasmic breathing or air restriction (very advanced, don't try without research!) and you're suddenly feeling light headed and you need your safe word fast then trying to access your memory banks to scream Kiwano Fruit is gonna be way more difficult! It's also going to be a little dangerous if you are doing things that require a safe word. Remembering things is hard enough when you're calm.
Picking a safe word needs to take at least as much effort as picking your bank accounts password. HOWEVER... in this situation, you need to go for simple, short, and easy to guess.
a.k.a. The exact opposite of Upper/lower/special character/caps-notcaps.
Also, practice using simple instructions during the day when talking with your partner. Point and use caveman-like directions when it's something simple. You don't have to explain that you've had a bad day and explain who's customer service call reminded you of a tragic memory from when you were 5 and you stepped on your pet frog. Simply point to your shoulders, say "Bad day. Need you. Can you rub?" and see how effective that is. Follow up with "Thank you" after a minute or so (don't abuse your new-found caveman powers) and move on. Other examples include "Salt, please?" and point to salt shaker; "Almost time, love" and point to clock; "So beautiful" and point to face; etc. There's value in learning how to communicate with only the important words.
"How is this going to help me in bed??" you ask. Welp... when you can lose the moment in a heartbeat, you don't want to waste time explaining things like "wait, move over about half a centimeter and then make your tongue flat, not pointy, and slow it down to about 1 lick per second not 3 and then..." by that time they are already thinking "I wonder if that car is still for sale up the street?"
So here are some good example phrases you can practice during the day that might help you at 'night':
- Too fast
- All in
- Not yet
- Tease me
- Maybe next time
- Flip me over
- Flip over
- Flip me back
- On your back
- Squeeze me
- Grab my ____
- Wait... there we go
- Keep going
- Hold it
- Right there
- Up and down
- Side to side (try it, lemme know how it goes)
- Come here
- Teeth (can be used to STOP using teeth or ADD teeth... depends on moment)
- On top
- Hold still
- Nope (follow up with what to do instead)
Ok so one additional thing to note: in the case of consensual sex, remember that if you want to encourage the other person to keep going, then try to avoid using negative terms because the human brain doesn't actually pay attention to the negative words. We are programmed mostly to hear the action word in a sentence, and when we are our most distracted we tend to ignore the 'no'/'not'/'don't' words in a sentence. So practice rephrasing things into what you DO want, instead of just saying what you don't want. It's okay to say 'no' to stop an action that needs stopped, but try to work on following up with a positive command to direct that energy where you want it.
At your next meal, practice using single word sentences to explain your day. Can you do it? Take turns telling about a part of your day with only single words at a time. Leave out 'the' 'and' 'then' and all those junk words. Stick to the keywords only. See if your partner understands what happened. Take turns and compare. It's almost like playing Pictionary, except using only the words and not the pics.
Feel free to share one worded stories in the comments, too!