Recess... time for toys!

It's playtime! Go grab your toys!! Get ready for RECESS TIME!!

What, you don't have any toys? 

And YOU? You don't like toys? 

What about YOU? 

Come now, toys are okay! I know it might be a little awkward talking about these things, but it's important to learn about adult toys. I'm not saying you have to have a PowerPoint slideshow up in your living room and use a laser pointer to discuss graphic diagrams with your grandmother. I respect the fact that some things are best kept as private discussions in a setting where you feel safe and comfortable.

Maybe it would help you feel better talking about it if we got rid of some of the hang ups that go with the topic of toys? Let's really talk about the big "O" accessories and clear a few things up, shall we?

LESSON 410: TOYS ARE OKAY.
Using toys to enhance your sexual health does NOT...
make you a freak
make you a weirdo
make you incapable of connecting with another human
make you selfish
make you a failure in any way at all
mean you are bad at sex just because your partner uses a toy
make your partner a failure
make you difficult to please
make you a lonely person or a loser
make your sexual practices unnatural
make you numb to orgasms down the road
make you get UTIs (as long as you're using proper cleaning techniques)

Stop listening to old wives tales and locker room talk.
Just stop it. 

You may be surprised at the amount of research and surveys conducted to demonstrate vibrator/sex toy usage that is published stating that a MOJORITY of people have used or own a toy. As a matter of fact, one company (Lovehoney) claims that 3 out of 4 Americans own at least one dildo. I won't go into all the implications of that statistic (at least one? is the 4th American too poor to buy one? Do they call theirs a massager and so therefore they don't count?) but I think it's safe to say that having a toy doesn't make you the exception to the rule. It's fairly easy to conclude here that having better orgasms could be important to many people.

Other research from Indiana University's Center for Sexual Health Promotion says that "vibrator use is associated with more positive sexual function and being more proactive in caring for one's sexual health." They even looked at the data for men who use vibrators and found that it's actually common among men, too! Let's not assume that women are the only ones enjoying some good vibrations.

(FYI: The Bloomington, IN, study I referred to was conducted by Indiana University researchers. For more details and good homework reading, check out http://newsinfo.iu.edu/news-archive/10877.html.) 

Men, it doesn't matter how old or how young you are, toys are for EVERYONE. Even AARP wrote an article about it! YES... somewhere there's some older man (google "silver fox", rawr) who knows WAY more tricks than you do, has way more patience than you do, and he's retired and has way more time to do it, to boot.

Orgasms are our blessed gift... and enjoying them with our partner is a great bonding experience, so why not make it the most epic experience that you can? Don't let the 'notions' you have in your head get in the way of a great quality night with your honey-baby-pumpkin-doll.

So maybe we should talk about the BENEFITS of using toys?
increased desire
increased arousal
increased lubrication
increased orgasms
less pain
increased overall sexual function
increased erectile function
increased intercourse satisfaction
increased orgasmic function (length, strength, duration, etc)
increased sexual desire
spicing up intimate times together
more enjoyable foreplay
increasing your skill at giving directions
increasing overall communication with your partner
and perhaps it could lead to the strongest damn Kegel muscles to ever choke a WWE wrestler.

(I made that last one up.)

On a more fun note... Ever wonder how all those awesome toys are made??? If you did, then try the homework assignment below to help satisfy your curiosity! It might help you get out of your comfort zone and try out a new style of toy, or maybe look at your collection a little differently.

So in conclusion, even though you're a grown up, it's still okay to play with toys. I give you permission. Go forth and shop, research, google, and check out the sexual health isle at Walgreens cause that lady at the makeup counter is really good at helping you buy stuff without calling out a price check for the entire store to hear.

P.S. And I'd like to brag that the same Lovehoney survey showed that OHIO is in the top 15 states where dildos are most likely to reside! Way to represent, Ohio. Bravo. Let's try to beat Iowa next year, ok?

HOMEWORK: Media time!

LINK: https://youtu.be/ft4TRVRhjXk

A guy walks into a bar...

...but he might not have if he had just opened his damn eyes.

I can't even count how many memes I've seen that joke around about what a woman is thinking because a guy won't look her in the face during sex. Do we even have to talk about this? Apparently we do.

LESSON 230: EYE CONTACT

Ok, I get it. You have a favorite position, or body part, or maybe you're just one of those people that needs intense concentration, or gets distracted easily, and you have to have a focal point in order to maximize the experience.

It COULD be that you're one of those people that just feels intimidated by eye contact. Or you could be one of those people that has to have the lights off because you're too self-conscious.

That's totally fine. I get it. But for the sake of all low-self-esteem women/men everywhere, TELL US THAT!!!!

Now I admit that I don't stare down hubby in the eyes all the time when we are doing the pelvic tango...

But I try to make sure that I communicate the things that I love about him because I don't want my eyes rolling back into my head and him start to wonder 'who's face does she see in her head when her eyes are closed?'

YES. People wonder that. Not everyone. But some people. The question is... WHICH people? Do you worry about that? Does your partner? Today might be a good day to find out. Ask them if they get enough eye contact during whoopie time, and let them know that you are right there with them in that moment, even if it doesn't look like it. Reassurance can be an amazing thing, and you may not have known that they were so worried. Being able to get rid of that doubt can open up a whole new world for some people.

HOMEWORK: OPEN YOUR EYES. Just try it once. Try to get over that self-conscious feeling and really make eye contact. There is so much honesty in your eyes. And sometimes, it's way sexy. (Trust me on this.) And even if you can't pull it off, maybe you can both get a good laugh out of it later...

Vocabulary day: Consistency

CONSISTENCY: the achievement of a level of performance that does not vary greatly in quality over time.

I'm not talking about "performance" of the kind you're thinking of...

 

Gotcha there. Hee hee

I'm talking about your verbal performance,
and your relationship skills performance...
a.k.a. communication consistency. 

IT MATTERS. It matters SO much.
And it matters so much that I'm going to let Simon Sinek explain it, because he does it better than anyone I've heard yet. If you don't think being consistent is important, then I guess you won't be afraid to watch this video, right?

Could it be more important than communication? It could, if you've already established a relationship. It could be the glue that holds the relationship together. It exists alongside trust, honesty, and reliability. Big words here people, but seriously easy concepts. Consistency leads to reliability, consistency leads to trust, trust leads to better sex...

 Contemplate that a while.

Homework:
If you're feeling a little self-improvement kick coming on, try checking out these two links: 

• https://www.elitedaily.com/life/motivation/why-consistency-is-vital-in-life
• https://www.idiva.com/news-relationships/consistency-in-relationships-what-it-means-and-why-its-important/1610179

Like hot dogs down a hallway...

LESSON FOR THE DAY:
Sexual Health 303 - your body is going through changes...

Can we talk about the differences that happen to a person's body as they evolve and mature, without attaching a judgement to it for a minute? I feel like that needs to be talked about, and it's important to realize that any difficulties during sex shouldn't always be attributed to a person's mindset. We don't always have control over our bodily functions.

If you have ever taken a health class in middle/high school, you would have heard the word "puberty" often enough to make you want to full on gag. But no one talks to you about the changes that happen to a person's body after they become an adult. Where is THAT health class? It's not something that we are educated about as a right of passage to adulthood. But maybe we should be?

We hear women talk about "the change", but rarely hear exactly what changes go with it other than not having your period anymore. And does anyone even talk about what guys go through, other than seeing commercials on TV for penile dysfunction? (Yes, I said it out loud. Stop cringing.)

What's worse, is that our bodies often decide to do things that we can't control, no matter how much we try. Sure, sometimes our feelings/emotions DO affect how our bodies react...

But other times, our bodies don't cooperate, and our body language might be like speaking pig latin to your lover.

For example...
He gets soft = doesn't mean he isn't having fun
She isn't wet = doesn't mean she isn't having fun
He flips you over = doesn't mean he thinks you're ugly
She closes her eyes = doesn't mean she thinks you're ugly
He turns the light on = doesn't mean he's about to do something weird
She turns the light off = doesn't mean she doesn't want to look at you
He sneezes = doesn't mean he's allergic to you
She sneezes = just might make things more (or less) fun for him... think about it

 I'm just saying, you can't assume the worst when you try to interpret body language. This is why

**COMMUNICATION**

is so important. How many times do I have to say that???

But for today's lesson, I really want to talk about how our bodies can really not work the way we want them to, and how it's not always a mental thing. Sometimes there are reasons that women have trouble producing enough moisture and there are reasons why guys might have trouble getting ultra hard. It doesn't mean they aren't having fun!!! (But it's okay to ASK if they are enjoying it... never hurts to check. Truly.)

It's not like getting caught picking your nose... there are some things that happen to your body that you just can't help. Having babies changes a woman's body (if I hear one more joke about throwing hot dogs down a hallway, so help me God), but so does changing hormones and growing UP. Face it guys and gals... you aren't gonna have that 17 year old body forever. So adjust, and figure out ways to have fun with it! We are living in the age of accessories!!!

Ladies, If you have a consistent problem with moisture, do NOT think that using lube is a crutch. In fact, it can be pretty fun. Picking out just the right one can make for a super fun shopping spree.

Just remember that all those flavors and scents don't always make it better, but it never hurts to try. :-) And the slipperier you get, the nicer things feel for both/all parties involved. Lack of moisture can be caused by a multitude of reasons. I'm not going to list them here, because you're just going to google it yourself anyways. (It's ok - I get it. That's what we do.)

By the way, did you know?

But I digress...


Guys have just as many difficulties too, ladies. Try to remember that sometimes those penises (penii?) have a mind of their own!

Those poor little lambs have a hell of a time in middle school, especially when they have to give a presentation in the front of class and all of a sudden it decides that it wants to make a presentation of it's own. So have a heart... do your part. If it decides it doesn't want to play right then and there, remember that there are plenty of other body parts to give attention to. Guys like a nice back scratch or massage just as much as we do. We don't have to stop giving attention just because they aren't... AT attention. And guys, there's no shame in it, and no reason for YOU to quit either. Plenty of fun to be had without it, just sayin.

And as much as people make jokes about size, and whether it matters, there is definitely something to be said for how people fit together. But you don't have to be the Jolly Green Giant or have Kegel muscles strong enough to make applesauce in order to have sex that is satisfying with your partner. It just takes finding the right angle, lube, rhythm, position, timing or foreplay to make it happen, Cap'n. Oh, and did I mention COMMUNICATION?!??!?!?!

(Don't get the applesauce reference? Here ya go:)

JUST REMEMBER WHAT'S IMPORTANT:

Now go get em tiger...

Homework for today:
Research lubrication and compare websites and prices. Feel free to share any great deals in the comments below!!! :-)

It's not a sport, don't keep score...

No matter how much making whoopie makes you wanna cheer, remember, it's not a sport...
so don't keep score.

So I was again scrolling through random mouse clicks, falling deeper into the rabbit hole of the interwebs, and I stumbled across a link to this article: 

6-toxic-relationship-habits-most-people-think-are-normal

It was about relationships, and I was sure it had something to do with communication problems so I of course was like 'pscht, this is something I should check out.'

So I did, and as I was reading this article, I got to thinking. After letting the information stew and thinking about it relates to not just me, but to possibly a wider application (a.k.a. sex), it struck me that people don't just keep score of wrong doings or chores, but they also keep score in bed as well.

Which leads us to
LESSON 330: DON'T KEEP SCORE

How many times have you heard someone say "I always initiate", or "You got to come first the last three times, it's my turn", or "I'm always doing all the work", or "I got the towel last time, you get it". 

(Actual footage of the dance I do when I offer to get the towel after me and hubby have sex. Try getting that image out of your head.)

Seriously though. There's nothing more annoying than knowing that someone is keeping a scorecard of the naturally spontaneous act of intimacy. 

 Stop it.

PSA: Don't get me wrong, there's nothing wrong with communicating a frustration if you want to change things up or if you aren't feeling satisfied in an area of your sexual health. By all means, feel free to ask someone if they would mind taking it slower and letting you finish first this time so that you can take your time pleasing them instead, or asking if they could turn the tables and surprise you with a little unscheduled prompting from their side next time. 

Relax, we all get into habits. It's human nature and it's cool to change that up, but sometimes habits are built upon the things that we know work, also. Try not to make it into a 'scorecard' mentality and instead look at it as the 'standard operating procedure' that you can innovate from time to time. Always look forwards, not backwards. (You know, unless that's your thing. It puts a crick in my neck, personally.)

End of lesson.
No homework tonight, boo. Go forth and free your mind. 

Vulnerability: the building block of great sex

Prerequisite: Lesson 402 
Course Description: This is a follow up course to the content in Lesson 402. It's a writing intensive course designed to help you dive further into the advanced topics of sexual education and self-exploration. At the end of this course, you'll be able to discuss sex with another human without giggling like a little school-girl. Unless, of course, giggling like a little school-girl is what turns you or your partner on. 

Today, students, is video day! In this class we are going to feature a TED talk from another speaker. Feel free to consider this course a special topics course in upper division sexual awareness. Welcome to...

LESSON 403-
VULNERABILITY: THE BUILDING BLOCK OF GREAT SEX

Let me say that word again. Vulnerability. Don't cringe. It's okay. I know that a lot of us associate the word vulnerable as a negative thing. We assume that people who are vulnerable are easily hurt, damaged, and broken. It could very well be true, but if you are never able to become vulnerable, then you're going to miss out on the awesome things because you have built up a wall to keep anything new from happening. 

That's a no-no. TEAR DOWN that wall! Go watch this video we are featuring from Olive B. Persimmon before reading on... she allowed herself to be vulnerable, and wonderful things happened as a result.

Anything sound familiar to you? Yup. It's time to make a list. Did you do your homework for Lesson 402?  Good!!! (If you didn't, then you can get half credit if you turn it in late.)
Now it's time for some in-class assignments. Think about what Olive said, and decide if you are vulnerable enough to try something new. Just pick one thing for now. 

Nope. Sorry. JUST ONE thing for now.

 Okay, now think about that one thing. Are you willing to try it? Probably. Are you willing to ask for it? Yeah. That's the harder part. When's the right time to ask, how to ask for it, how to prepare to get shot down... it's tough. Communication is tough. Think about picking a time when you can talk in private with your partner about trying this new thing. Figure out how you want it to happen, and what boundaries you want to set (or not set). Also think about how you might respond if they aren't up for it. Is there a compromise you'd like to try? Can you be a good listener and see if maybe they have a counter-suggestion? But all of these things are completely useless to think about if you aren't vulnerable enough to go for it and talk about it. So...

 Sometimes you just gotta be brave and go for it. You may be surprised to see how well your partner reacts once you've opened up the communication-flood-gates. 

HOMEWORK: Go download one of Olive's "Yes-No-Maybe" lists from her site at https://www.olivepersimmon.com/let-s-get-sexy and get to checking off. Bonus points if you and your partner do the list and exchange them with each other! And even if you don't have a partner, what's the harm in having the list around just in case an opportunity comes up?