You look like a 5 dollar brotha...

So let's be honest...
If you were gonna check into this hotel, how much would YOU have to pay? 

$10? $20? Hmmm?

 

(Don't just scroll, watch it. My girl got some good advice... and so does my boy.)

Lesson #420 - Work.

Yes, I made this lesson number 420. Why?
Boy please. Don't no one work hard at 420.

 But maybe that's the problem here. I do like me a bit of irony. Too many times we get to the point where things are going good, and it works for us, so we stop working for IT? 

Don't ever take great intimacy, lovemaking, orgasms, a.k.a. SEX, for granted. We get in ruts with wo many aspects of our lives, but this one is just SO rewarding. Like seriously rewarding. 

 

I'm not saying that it's gotta be hours long every time. (Remember my previous lesson where I mentioned chaffing???) I'm pretty sure anyone with children will tell you there are benefits to thirty-second orgasms before the kids figure out how to pick the lock on the bathroom door.

What I'm trying to say here, is you need to put a little effort into it every now and then. Don't be a hit-it-and-quit-it kind of lover. Make sure you are both satisfied and remember this is a partnership. Don't get up from the dinner table just because your plate is done. Wait for them to finish, too. Keep them company while they finish. Encourage them. Ask them how their day was. 

Yes, I'm still talking about SEX. There's nothing wrong with asking someone "How you feeling? How was your day? You want some help with that? That looks tasty, can I have some?" (ok, I heard it, it sounds a little weird.) But you know, showing interest in your partner and expressing that you care does WONDERS. 

So the next time you're wiping off with that towel and yanking your pants back up, wondering if there's any lunchmeat in the fridge for a sandwich, pause for a second and do the math. Are you a $50-dollar brotha, or a $5-dollar brotha?

HOMEWORK: Mathematics...

Think of the last time you were with your lover and calculate how long you spent before any penetration happened. Then figure out how long the penetration was before YOU were done. Figure out what that ratio is. (3:5, 4:1, 3:20?) 

If you spent time 'at the dinner table' with your partner after you were finished assisting them with their... let's call it a plate... then add those extra minutes to the 2nd number as a bonus. Before you get into 'dinner' with your partner again, explain that you read this blog and tell them the ratio number that you came up with. Then ask them if that sounds right to them. THEN... ask them if they would prefer that ratio to change on either side. Maybe it was 10:5 and they would rather it be 10:10? Or maybe they would prefer it to be 15:2? Either way, it should make for a pretty interesting conversation, don't you think?

 

Like hot dogs down a hallway...

LESSON FOR THE DAY:
Sexual Health 303 - your body is going through changes...

Can we talk about the differences that happen to a person's body as they evolve and mature, without attaching a judgement to it for a minute? I feel like that needs to be talked about, and it's important to realize that any difficulties during sex shouldn't always be attributed to a person's mindset. We don't always have control over our bodily functions.

If you have ever taken a health class in middle/high school, you would have heard the word "puberty" often enough to make you want to full on gag. But no one talks to you about the changes that happen to a person's body after they become an adult. Where is THAT health class? It's not something that we are educated about as a right of passage to adulthood. But maybe we should be?

We hear women talk about "the change", but rarely hear exactly what changes go with it other than not having your period anymore. And does anyone even talk about what guys go through, other than seeing commercials on TV for penile dysfunction? (Yes, I said it out loud. Stop cringing.)

What's worse, is that our bodies often decide to do things that we can't control, no matter how much we try. Sure, sometimes our feelings/emotions DO affect how our bodies react...

But other times, our bodies don't cooperate, and our body language might be like speaking pig latin to your lover.

For example...
He gets soft = doesn't mean he isn't having fun
She isn't wet = doesn't mean she isn't having fun
He flips you over = doesn't mean he thinks you're ugly
She closes her eyes = doesn't mean she thinks you're ugly
He turns the light on = doesn't mean he's about to do something weird
She turns the light off = doesn't mean she doesn't want to look at you
He sneezes = doesn't mean he's allergic to you
She sneezes = just might make things more (or less) fun for him... think about it

 I'm just saying, you can't assume the worst when you try to interpret body language. This is why

**COMMUNICATION**

is so important. How many times do I have to say that???

But for today's lesson, I really want to talk about how our bodies can really not work the way we want them to, and how it's not always a mental thing. Sometimes there are reasons that women have trouble producing enough moisture and there are reasons why guys might have trouble getting ultra hard. It doesn't mean they aren't having fun!!! (But it's okay to ASK if they are enjoying it... never hurts to check. Truly.)

It's not like getting caught picking your nose... there are some things that happen to your body that you just can't help. Having babies changes a woman's body (if I hear one more joke about throwing hot dogs down a hallway, so help me God), but so does changing hormones and growing UP. Face it guys and gals... you aren't gonna have that 17 year old body forever. So adjust, and figure out ways to have fun with it! We are living in the age of accessories!!!

Ladies, If you have a consistent problem with moisture, do NOT think that using lube is a crutch. In fact, it can be pretty fun. Picking out just the right one can make for a super fun shopping spree.

Just remember that all those flavors and scents don't always make it better, but it never hurts to try. :-) And the slipperier you get, the nicer things feel for both/all parties involved. Lack of moisture can be caused by a multitude of reasons. I'm not going to list them here, because you're just going to google it yourself anyways. (It's ok - I get it. That's what we do.)

By the way, did you know?

But I digress...


Guys have just as many difficulties too, ladies. Try to remember that sometimes those penises (penii?) have a mind of their own!

Those poor little lambs have a hell of a time in middle school, especially when they have to give a presentation in the front of class and all of a sudden it decides that it wants to make a presentation of it's own. So have a heart... do your part. If it decides it doesn't want to play right then and there, remember that there are plenty of other body parts to give attention to. Guys like a nice back scratch or massage just as much as we do. We don't have to stop giving attention just because they aren't... AT attention. And guys, there's no shame in it, and no reason for YOU to quit either. Plenty of fun to be had without it, just sayin.

And as much as people make jokes about size, and whether it matters, there is definitely something to be said for how people fit together. But you don't have to be the Jolly Green Giant or have Kegel muscles strong enough to make applesauce in order to have sex that is satisfying with your partner. It just takes finding the right angle, lube, rhythm, position, timing or foreplay to make it happen, Cap'n. Oh, and did I mention COMMUNICATION?!??!?!?!

(Don't get the applesauce reference? Here ya go:)

JUST REMEMBER WHAT'S IMPORTANT:

Now go get em tiger...

Homework for today:
Research lubrication and compare websites and prices. Feel free to share any great deals in the comments below!!! :-)

Make it sing...

Today's blog is just for fun, but I hope that it helps inspire a little creativity in your life today!

So... In my vast expanse of Google searches during this week, I've come across a multitude of crazy, interesting, sad, funny, and sometimes inspiring tidbits.
(I just love the sound of the word tidbit. I feel like if you were talking fast enough, and drunk enough, it would be easy to say bid-tits instead. I mean, what exactly is a bit of tid anyway?)

Amongst my interesting discoveries this week, I found that there is a plethora of condoms that I've been completely ignorant about. I guess that's the hazard of married life. You don't get to experience that AWESOME trip to the store for prophylactics (say that five times fast) and baby-daddy-prevention.

Being less of a shopaholic than your average lady-type, I have a feeling I would be less prone to hang out comparing features, colors, sizes and scents. I'd be more of a GRAB-and-GO kinda gal.

But in light of this new found information I have, I feel like this should spur a little bit of shopping fun so that I can thoroughly test out the new assortment of rubbers (thank you Mr. Goodyear) that are out on the market. I mean, we could all stand to be a little more familiar with those good old "love gloves".

Here's something even more interesting that I came across in my tom-fuckery on the masterful interwebs... did you know that someone said that a man in Hungary invented a MUSICAL CONDOM?

LESSON 399: MUSIC THEORY

Let me assure you right now, I couldn't find any evidence that this was truth and not a hoax, but even the concept was pretty hysterical to research. I mean, it was claimed that when you unrolled the condom, it played a communist hymn "Arise, Ye Worker", which is enough to make me spit out my hot tea while reading it.

No wait wait wait... that's not all. Even better is that there were rumors of another musical condom years later touting a "jimmy hat" that had sensors on it that would vary the music it played depending on position and rigor of the wearer.
Talk about performance pressure!!!

I'm telling you, I have a hard enough time being distracted by the thought of one of our kids knocking on the door in the middle of "grand events" that there is NO WAY I would be able to make it to "mountain-top" while the frickin flight of the bumble bee was playing inside my hoo-haw.

Try making love without this song popping in your head the most inopportune moment now... I dare ya.

HOMEWORK:
So here's a thought provoking question for your week...
IF YOUR DICK WAS A BOOMBOX,
WHAT SONG WOULD IT PLAY???


(If you're looking for some ideas of narrowing down your own shopping options, perhaps it would help to read this link which shared a blogger's own adventure in condom trial and error:
http://www.slate.com/articles/life/shopping/2005/03/rubber_match.html )

It's okay to play with your food...

VOCATIONAL COURSEWORK: NUTRITION 203

Just thought it was time to have a special vocational class today and talk about nutrition. Shall we?

We're living in a time when the world is trying to get the human race back on the right track, health wise. I say "sounds good to me!" We should all eat more fruits...And everyone says dark chocolate is actually good for you, so make sure you stock up at the grocery store and encourage your partner to try it too!

And of course yogurt is great for the digestion and goes great with strawberries. While we are dipping things, don't forget to spread it too! Peanut butter, that is...

There's such a great variety of foods out there that you may never have tried before. Why not check out some videos from Stephanie Sarley? She features a lot of foods you may never have thought of (in this way) before.

Remember that it is important to always practice good sanitary habits as well. Keep your cucumber CLEAN!! You don't want to risk giving or getting any infections. Maybe even ask your partner for some help cleaning. ;-) Don't be scared...

But just in case you need instructions regarding that, there is the RIGHT way to stay clean, and the wrong way... Ladies, here is some proper "cucumber" information for you as well.

And lastly, we know that grapefruits may sound bitter and unsweet, but if they are healthy and your partner likes them, why not have an open mind?

 Meet the woman who teaches the "grapefruit technique"

Or watch the technique in this video here :-)

I hope you all take some time to work on your wellness this week! Remember, eat right...

...get LOTS of exercise...

...and establish good sleeping habits.

Have a great week students!