Make it sing...

Today's blog is just for fun, but I hope that it helps inspire a little creativity in your life today!

So... In my vast expanse of Google searches during this week, I've come across a multitude of crazy, interesting, sad, funny, and sometimes inspiring tidbits.
(I just love the sound of the word tidbit. I feel like if you were talking fast enough, and drunk enough, it would be easy to say bid-tits instead. I mean, what exactly is a bit of tid anyway?)

Amongst my interesting discoveries this week, I found that there is a plethora of condoms that I've been completely ignorant about. I guess that's the hazard of married life. You don't get to experience that AWESOME trip to the store for prophylactics (say that five times fast) and baby-daddy-prevention.

Being less of a shopaholic than your average lady-type, I have a feeling I would be less prone to hang out comparing features, colors, sizes and scents. I'd be more of a GRAB-and-GO kinda gal.

But in light of this new found information I have, I feel like this should spur a little bit of shopping fun so that I can thoroughly test out the new assortment of rubbers (thank you Mr. Goodyear) that are out on the market. I mean, we could all stand to be a little more familiar with those good old "love gloves".

Here's something even more interesting that I came across in my tom-fuckery on the masterful interwebs... did you know that someone said that a man in Hungary invented a MUSICAL CONDOM?

LESSON 399: MUSIC THEORY

Let me assure you right now, I couldn't find any evidence that this was truth and not a hoax, but even the concept was pretty hysterical to research. I mean, it was claimed that when you unrolled the condom, it played a communist hymn "Arise, Ye Worker", which is enough to make me spit out my hot tea while reading it.

No wait wait wait... that's not all. Even better is that there were rumors of another musical condom years later touting a "jimmy hat" that had sensors on it that would vary the music it played depending on position and rigor of the wearer.
Talk about performance pressure!!!

I'm telling you, I have a hard enough time being distracted by the thought of one of our kids knocking on the door in the middle of "grand events" that there is NO WAY I would be able to make it to "mountain-top" while the frickin flight of the bumble bee was playing inside my hoo-haw.

Try making love without this song popping in your head the most inopportune moment now... I dare ya.

HOMEWORK:
So here's a thought provoking question for your week...
IF YOUR DICK WAS A BOOMBOX,
WHAT SONG WOULD IT PLAY???


(If you're looking for some ideas of narrowing down your own shopping options, perhaps it would help to read this link which shared a blogger's own adventure in condom trial and error:
http://www.slate.com/articles/life/shopping/2005/03/rubber_match.html )

It's okay to play with your food...

VOCATIONAL COURSEWORK: NUTRITION 203

Just thought it was time to have a special vocational class today and talk about nutrition. Shall we?

We're living in a time when the world is trying to get the human race back on the right track, health wise. I say "sounds good to me!" We should all eat more fruits...And everyone says dark chocolate is actually good for you, so make sure you stock up at the grocery store and encourage your partner to try it too!

And of course yogurt is great for the digestion and goes great with strawberries. While we are dipping things, don't forget to spread it too! Peanut butter, that is...

There's such a great variety of foods out there that you may never have tried before. Why not check out some videos from Stephanie Sarley? She features a lot of foods you may never have thought of (in this way) before.

Remember that it is important to always practice good sanitary habits as well. Keep your cucumber CLEAN!! You don't want to risk giving or getting any infections. Maybe even ask your partner for some help cleaning. ;-) Don't be scared...

But just in case you need instructions regarding that, there is the RIGHT way to stay clean, and the wrong way... Ladies, here is some proper "cucumber" information for you as well.

And lastly, we know that grapefruits may sound bitter and unsweet, but if they are healthy and your partner likes them, why not have an open mind?

 Meet the woman who teaches the "grapefruit technique"

Or watch the technique in this video here :-)

I hope you all take some time to work on your wellness this week! Remember, eat right...

...get LOTS of exercise...

...and establish good sleeping habits.

Have a great week students!

Get by with a little help...

GUYS... this one's for you.

You know, occasionally my faith in huMANity is restored. Truthfully, as a cis-woman, I have a hard time not feeling resentful and cynical about my male counterparts. (The horrible few ruin it for the rest of you! I'm truly sorry about that. Sincerely. I'm working on that.) Luckily, there are times when you see something and it restores the hope that you had for he world.

I found a website... a blog... nay a movement.... I was totally looking for something completely unrelated (parenting and crafty-stuff advice, of all things) and I came across this website that was a host to a wonderful array of advice geared towards "Good men". I thought 'well that's interesting.'

I started looking around this site and LO AND BEHOLD... I saw some decent advice! Obviously everything is subjective and what might be great advice for one is useless to another. I admit that.

MY POINT...
if you will permit me to get to it...
is that this reminded me of a group of young men I once knew years ago who used to meet once a week to build each other up and hold each other accountable. They were a group of GREAT men, truly great, and I hope they are still supporting each other to this day. But more importantly, I realized now that ALL men NEED that. I see a lot of talk about women needing to have a best friend or a support group but...

LESSON 301: Everybody needs somebody sometime...

Don't laugh, it's true! As much as we don't like it when someone calls us 'needy', it's absolutely true. Humans are social beings.

If we don't rely on the sharing of common knowledge from the experiences of others, then we are going to be stuck making the same mistakes generation after generation. Don't keep the lesson to yourself, pass it on! Take some time to learn from your fellow man, and then when you get that 'ah ha' moment of your own, SHARE IT. Even if it's just at the water cooler and you have to be brief.

Um... not THAT brief.

But don't be afraid to reach out and look for advice, too. It's out there. You just have to be willing to ask for it. (Just about as easy as asking for directions, right?)

Don't be afraid to communicate with your fellow man!  Communication is just as important with a mentor as it is with a friend or lover. Mentors are highly underrated, and should be used more often. Find a mentor and BE a mentor. Just remember to use your communication skills, and don't be cryptic.

HOMEWORK: Check out the site https://goodmenproject.com/ OR google for some good articles geared towards self-growth and find an article that stands out to you. It doesn't have to be about sex, but if you find something out there that you think "Hey, this was actually worth my time to read" then SHARE IT here!!!! Or share it anywhere! Be a mentor to other men. Post a link in the comments or post a share on Facebook for me. Whatever floats your boat! Just remember guys, you need support, too.

You're not a DJ. It's not a record.

All right, maybe you ARE a DJ. Maybe you you've been spinning since Sugar Hill Gang hit the stores. Fine. I'll give you that. But it's NOT a record.

If you don't know what I'm talking about yet, then I'll give you a second to walk down here into the gutter with me. ....there ya go. Think about it.... think about it....

Well hello there! Ok, now that you're down here, let's say it again. IT IS NOT A RECORD. You don't have to go at it like you're sanding a car for a paint job.

I know this blog is jumping ahead a little bit out of order. I mean, we were still on the topic of obtaining a girl's number. But I think it's important to go over some sophomore level material for the advanced students...

LESSON 205: FINESSE

Yes, Finesse.
noun: finesse; plural noun: finesses
1.intricate and refined delicacy.

It's important to have finesse if you're going to navigate the female body. Hell, ladies, you need some finesse, too. Remember, it's not a stick shift and this isn't the fast and the furious.

Instead of being all cocky (pardon the pun) and thinking that you know what you're doing, how about instead you LISTEN to the expert first? Yup, right back to the topic of communication. Who's the expert you ask? Sure as sh*t not me. The expert is the person who owns the body that you are trying to navigate... or steer... or shift... or whatever you prefer to call it. Every person and body is different.

Bodies are SENSITIVE. If they weren't then it wouldn't be as much fun. We'd be getting tired and rubbing our shoulders wondering "how long is this going to take?!?!"

So appreciate the sensitivity and SLOWLY work up to it. Hey, some people might want you to treat it like a record, but you can't assume that right out of the gate. Simple physics and anatomy has shown that extended use of the 'DJ' method is going to create some wear and, yes, tear. We'd like it if you avoid that, please. Because as much as women would love for you to set off those fireworks for us, we prefer to stay and enjoy the WHOLE show, not just the first rocket.

So if you please, remember you can always start out as gentle as you want and work your way up, but if you start out at full tilt, it's hard to go back and ease off once you've already blown the engine. Saavy?

HOMEWORK: Play a little Mr. Miagi with your partner.

Next time you get a chance to 'spin the record', ask her/him for some key words. One word to indicate backing off, and another word to indicate turning up the volume. (gradually!!!) Heck, if you wanna get really complicated with it, go full out analogy with RPMs if she's a control freak.

33.........45........ SEVENTY EIGHT!
SEVENTY EIGHT I SAID!!!!

It's OKAY. [Shared advice]

It's OKAY to want sex. 

Crazy. I know. Revolutionary even. And here to explain why, is the blog that says it better than I could have...

"It's OK to Want Sex"
by Dr. Nerdlove*

This is your assigned reading for today. That's all. Have a nice day class!

*you should totally go check out www.doctornerdlove.com! Dr. NerdLove is "an internationally recognized blogger and dating coach who gives dating advice to geeks of all stripes. Making nerds sexier since 2011".

Learning from the animal kingdom

The human race has to be one of the only species on the planet where the female is snazzier than the male of the species. Numerous women primp and prepare themselves using products from a multi-billion dollar industry and spend insane amounts of money on clothes and accessories while the average guy buy one pair of shoes and a comb. (I'm acknowledging there are exceptions to this!) But seriously, why is this? How did we end up so 'opposite'?

I mean, Look at Birds the male is always more colorful and always prancing around, dancing and showing off for the female.

Meanwhile, the female sits back and waits to see which one is the most entertaining to her. (Refer back to lesson 101!!)

I realize there are some things that the animal kingdom does that probably won't work for humans. We're not going to get into issues with praying mantises or black widow spiders.  (But that DOES remind me of some good advice for a 400-level course on marriage. Hmmm.)

I'm also not going to bash makeup wearing women, because I ARE one. As much as I love having days where I don't feel the need to wear makeup, I admit that sometimes looking at your reflection in the mirror and and liking what you see makes a huge difference in how you feel. Sometimes a good hair day just affects how you act, how you walk, even how you talk. Ain't nothing wrong with being confident!

But why does our society only expect it from women and not men? I mean, I'm not saying that it's time to start wearing makeup, guys. I don't expect men to start curling your hair or wearing dresses with high heels... although you'd be surprised what a good eyeliner does for a man.

LESSON: Physical presentation 102

So here is the thing... a little basic hygiene can go a long way. Don't believe that crap that women love a sweaty stinky man... I mean, in fiction it seems great. But you're still gonna be asked to take a shower before any part of you tries to touch any part of us. A few simple maintenance details can go a long way. Trim your fingernails, wash your armpits, shave your beard into a nice, neat shape... even better would be to not wear clothes with oil stains on them. Try washing your hat every now and then. Maybe try to scrape under your fingernails on a regular basis.

Just a note: I'm not encouraging people to judge someone by their 'book cover' so to speak, but that's a double-edged sword because it's natural to evaluate things with our eyes (or fingers and smell, if you're sight-impaired). First impressions are HUGE...

Rather, consider it a sign of respect for your potential mate. Or consider it a way to honor the temple that God gave you. However you feel about it, it's simply a matter of showing pride in yourself. Take time to maintain that bod!

Lastly, no matter what, don't ever be afraid to express yourself and to be who you are. Just... maybe don't be the stinky kid in the class, ok?

HOMEWORK: Take a moment in the mirror today, and look at yourself, and tell yourself one physical trait that you like the most about yourself. Then take an extra second to give that trait a little extra attention today and strut your stuff like you own it!!! Show off those lovely genes you got!

No, that's NOT the perfect song...

So I was sitting around shooting the proverbial 'crap', and the topic of music comes up and I heard one guy tell another that if they wanted to get laid, they needed to play the right music. I started thinking, "hmmm. He's got a point...yassssssss"

Thank you Blake McGrath.

And then he played THIS song.

 

Let's get MARRIED?!??!?!!! Seriously?!??!!?! 

You have to realize, this advice was given to a SINGLE guy, who was not currently in a relationship, and I'm thinking "You're just gonna try to hit up a girl you just met and tell her you wanna get married already????" 

No. Just No. 

LESSON 103: MEAN WHAT YOU SAY

I've said it before, and you're gonna hear me say it a million times in this blog, but it's all about COMMUNICATION. I know the song sounds sexy and it has a great beat and all, but DAMN. You're gonna propose to a woman with a song just to get laid... and then NOT expect her to go ape-shit when you decide you don't want to give her a ring the next day?

I don't care if you're a guy, a girl, or a fricking puppy-dog. When you hear THE WORDS, you're going to associate a meaning with them.

That includes ANY situation... do NOT make meaningless promises just to get a piece. It's false advertising, dishonest, and is just going to cause you drama in the long run. LOTS of drama. No one wants that kind of drama. (stop and let that sink in. SERIOUS drama.)

And if someone says 'let me play this song for you' or you hear 'this song makes me think of you', you're going to pay more attention to the words than you did the last time you heard it on the radio.

So do me a favor... think before you speak. And for heaven's sakes 

THINK BEFORE YOU PLAY MUSIC!!!

HOMEWORK: Go fetch... a song that is a better 'get busy' song than "Let's get married".